Do you ever wish that you were "beautiful"? The capital B-Kind of beautiful?. The type that lingers; that leaves a mark on those you don’t know? It’s a weird thought, at least for me. I definitely have recurring thoughts, they mainly circle around the desire to be better, smarter, stronger, etc. However, beautiful? No. Not So much.
I was in the car with Daniel (You don't know him yet, but you will) when he brought up seeing a woman, in a restaurant. Daniel didn’t know her, but he described her as "extremely beautiful". He used that exact adjective. In the moment I had no reference of her, I did not see her but my only response was “she had work done”. It was a shitty thing to say on my part. I don’t know this girl but my initial reaction was to bring her down - to try to put her on my level (if only in his eyes). I guess, for her to make an impression on me, for me to lash out, she must have been above us, above me. And, honestly, that scared me.
Walking into a room of beautiful people scares me. Stupid, right? I’m scared of the idea of being belittled, for my "beauty" to be seen as superficial, or for the conditional beauty, "you are pretty for a... ". So you dress up, I dress up. I wear clothes that are too tight, shoes that burn, and makeup that makes my skin worse for wearing it. I put on the mask and join the population of stage monkeys, putting on a show for someone who has better things to do than paying attention to me. Maybe if I sparkle; laugh a little harder; stand a little taller you won’t notice that I’ve been crying. You may even realize that these aren’t tears of joy, but pain. My pain.
I wilfully joined the fog, the blur of people defining beauty as the number of products on the shelf and not a genuine way of being. Everyone else looks so happy, though I question what it means to be happy sometimes. They all look so beautiful. Maybe I do wish I was beautiful, but I also wonder if the tears that that girl in the restaurant has shed were tears of joy or of pain. I never even saw her and her beauty still lingers in the air around me.